Defending Yourself Against A Domestic Abuser

June 30, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Domestic abuse is happening more and more each day and charges against domestic abuse are thankfully becoming a common thing. Majority of domestic abuse cases will involve police arresting the abuser after responding to a domestic dispute call. There are multiple types of domestic abuse that includes emotional, physical and psychological abuse.

It’s crucial to create a tight case when defending yourself against your abuser. Having a great lawyer is going to help you fight back.

Abuse cases that have physical evidence, photos or videos of her bruises, are harder to win, but in most cases a jury won’t side with the victim on emotional abuse. If you have photos of your bruises or a witness, it’s important to bring that information to your lawyer.

Your abuser might try and blame drugs and alcohol for his actions. If he’s abused either during your relationship it’s important to bring this up. While this isn’t an excuse for his actions, he could face jail time for the drug use.

Another common thing an abuser will try to tell the court is that he’ll change and seek counseling. Abusers won’t always change, it’s a vicious cycle and the only way to stop them is by taking action. This probably wasn’t a one-time thing and you won’t be his last victim. Going to go and filing charges against him will help warn other potential victims that he’s an abuser and to stay far away from him.

You were abused and no victim should have be smack, punched or verbally abused, no matter what. It’s important to do whatever it is that you can to make sure your abuser pays for the crime he did.You might also want to install some adt home security systems to ward off another potential abusive situation in the future.

Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, Mental Health Tagged With: , ,

Men can be Raped, Too

January 20, 2011 by Leave a Comment

A lot of people have taken up the ridiculous belief that since most men “want sex more” than women do (at least in theory), that a man can never be raped.  Aside from the fact that another man might be able to rape a man, the notion that a woman can never force or manipulate a man into doing something that is degrading and disgusting to him is a painful farce.  The saddest part of all is that fact that, with very rare exceptions, most people will either outright ignore or ridicule the entire notion of a man who claims that another person has sexually assaulted him.  While it might sound funny to some people, there is nothing funny about anybody getting raped.

Far too many women believe that they have got the monopoly on being sexually assaulted and abused.  It is true that men do tend to be physically stronger, and that many kinds of sex acts do require that the man’s penis be erect.  But whether or not an erection occurs, the fact is that sexuality consists of far more than simply inserting a penis into a vagina.  In a situation where a woman uses force or coercision to get a man to do anything that he is genuinely unwilling to do (with a particular emphasis on providing oral sex or other alternative activities), rape has essentially occurred.

Sadly, far too many people just assume that men always “want it,” and that it could never be rape as a consequence of that.  But what too often happens when a person (whether it be a man or a woman) rapes a man is that the guy is just too ashamed to come forward in the first place.  After all, why admit to being “too weak” to fight off someone, if no one is going to believe what you say in the first place?  No one really knows how often a man is sexually violated.

Filed Under: Mental Health, Sexual Abuse Tagged With: , ,

Denying Rape Leads to Long-Term Consequences

January 4, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Rape is most prevalent among young women, with men being the perpetrators. However, both men and women of all ages are potential victims of rape. Rape itself is physically, emotionally, and psychologically damaging. Often times, a victim is too embarrassed to come forward, based on the circumstances. For example, a young college student raped after drinking might feel that she somehow deserved being victimized. However, telling yourself things like this is not helpful, and you do not do yourself any justice.

Rape victims are never at fault, though feelings of guilt are common. In many cases, instances of rape go unreported and the victim is left with the aftermath. Although it may not seem like a big deal at first, the emotional and psychological damage of rape can be prevalent in your life for years to come if you do not address the issues. Former rape victims are often isolated and angry. In addition, they have a difficult time forming relationships, and can have a disdain towards women or men, depending on the gender of the original perpetrator.

If you are a past rape victim, there are still ways to get help even long after you are able to make a case against a perpetrator. Rape cases are only dismissed due to a lack of evidence. Try talking to a close relative or friend. If you are in a situation where your family tries to hide the incident, then they are not helping you, but actually hindering your efforts of recovering from rape trauma.

There are a plethora of counselors that can help rape victims recover from the psychological damage left by the perpetrator. Do not avoid counseling for fear that you cannot afford it. There is help available sometimes at no cost through interpersonal counseling as well as through telephone hotlines. Victims never deserve rape or the following personal impacts.

Filed Under: Mental Health Tagged With: ,

When a Friend is Being Abused

August 19, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Grandville : Cent Proverbes
Image via Wikipedia
So, you suspect that a dear friend is a victim of domestic abuse; you seen suspicious signs such as your friend’s inability to spend time with you or to even see family. There have been unaccountable bruises or your friend has sustained an injury that they are hiding. Your suspicion is growing into a pretty sure knowledge that something is amiss.
The burning question that rises to the surface is: should you do something about this and, if so, what steps should you take? These are good questions because if your friend is in an abusive situation, it is essential that they receive help. However- escape from such an environment needs to be done carefully or the victim may be put in an even more precarious situation than they are presently in.
Here is a list of Must Do’s:
Do talk to your friend; tell them your concerns and most important: LISTEN.  Do offer your support and help, if they need it. Do let them know you care about them.
NEVER do the following:
Never wait for them to speak to you about their situation. Never place blame anywhere or on anyone; never put pressure on your friend to take action. And, above all, NEVER give advice.
A victim of abuse needs to know that they are cared about and supported but they can be put in very dangerous circumstances if bullied and cajoled into making a move before they are ready. Abusers are controllers. It is probable that the abuser controls every aspect of your friend’s life. In order for victims to successfully remove themselves from such a scenario, they must first come to grips with their situation. Then there must be careful planning, on their part, in order to escape from the abuser’s control.
So, be a friend; listen; offer support, and be there when they’re in need. Be there when they’re ready.
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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, General, Mental Health, Sexual Abuse Tagged With: , ,

How to Understand That You Are Suffering Abuse

August 18, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Domestic violence against woman.
Image via Wikipedia
How do you know when you are suffering abuse?
As strange as that question may sound, many people do not know when their relationship has become abusive. A rational person may think: “How can one possibly not realize that they are in an abusive relationship?” As crazy as this may seem, one must understand that there are many factors that can shield the abuse from even the victim.
Some of these factors are:
Love.
When a relationship is formed, love is usually the motive. Most cases of domestic abuse do not happen overnight; they do not begin at the moment of attraction. If this were so, a potential victim would run before abuse was barely manifested. Many times a victim ignores abusive behavior because of the initial love that brought the victim and abuser together.
Next:
Guilt.
Many victims believe they deserve to be punished. If they weren’t so hard to live with; if they weren’t so clumsy; if they were more considerate; if they were just better! The abuse comes because the victim is obviously guilty for something and deserves punishment. A victim of abuse spends a great deal of time excusing the abuser because they are “tired” or “life has been hard” or “I should have been more caring” or- you get the picture.
It is YOU who are crazy.
Sometimes victims believe that they are the crazy one. Their partner is obviously trying to knock some sense into them. It is the duty of the abuser to abuse until you come to your senses.
Emotionally Numb.
Sometimes a victim becomes so closed down that they are actually numb to the situation and danger they are in.
Waking up to abuse can be a monumental experience. For this to happen one must first realize is that they ARE being abused. And next realize: it is NOT their fault and they deserve better.
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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, Mental Health, Sexual Abuse Tagged With: , ,

Residential Drug Abuse Program Curtails Violent Behavior

August 18, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Violent behavior is one of the personality characteristics of people who suffer from some type of abuse in their lives. Typical abuses where violence surfaces can stem from drug, emotional, or alcohol abuse. A person with a challenging drug problem can exhibit violent behavior when she feels threatened in any way. Some people mistakenly use violence as a coping mechanism. Violent behavior usually results in grave consequences for the offender, and the individual may need some type of intervention in order to successfully find effective coping strategies.

A residential drug abuse program may be what a person needs in order to deal with the difficult challenge of having a violent personality. A drug abuse program can help individuals safely work through their conflicts and present alternative solutions in order to eliminate the violence they exhibit. If the program is residential, they have the additional opportunity to work through their problems in an environment staffed with professionals who are available at all hours.

When individuals enter a drug rehabilitation program, staff encourage them to work on their behavior and to work closely with the counselors to get to the foundation of the abusive behavior. Although their association with a life of drug abuse may be the culprit, there may also be underlying factors that can trigger the violent behavior, as well.

Violent behavior is certainly not an acceptable characteristic from anyone. But, people can learn to manage and control it. Eventually, people can eliminate the violence if they are willing to be consistent in their treatment. Counselors may begin by helping patients understand the underlying issues causing the violence. Then they may move on to the addiction to drugs. During treatment, professionals will help patients understand how both issues interact. Once people understand the problems, staff can begin to teach them how to overcome both the addiction and the violence.

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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, Mental Health Tagged With: , ,

Domestic Abusers Know What They Are Doing

August 17, 2010 by Leave a Comment
It's More than Violence
Image by mtsofan via Flickr
One of the most interesting aspects of domestic abuse is the fact that abusers are usually able to control their behavior.
“Huh? How can that be?” You ask. “Aren’t abusers as much of a victim as the victims they control or hurt?”
The answer, in most cases, is probably not.  Most abusers can control their behavior and they do it all the time. You see, abusers choose whom they will abuse.  Many times, in one relationship, a partner will be as meek as a lamb; yet when they change relationships, they suddenly become the unyielding controller and can even move into violence.
An abuser looks for someone that he/she can control; someone who will be willing to belong to only them in the beginning throes of a relationship. Many times a victim will think this is simply romance without the understanding that the situation has a dangerous potential to turn from the ultimate dream into a nightmare.
The controlling romantic can morph overnight into a complete control freak over every detail in the victim’s life. The abuser will no longer allow the victim to see friends and family. The abuser will take total control over the money.  Sometimes an abuser will even take complete charge of the job or education of the victim. Control may mean that one can no longer even drive the family car or use the phone.
Abusers may treat their victims well in public and tear them to shreds, verbally in private. Abusers also know how to hit their victims carefully so that no bruise shows to the outside world. Abusers are also capable of stopping their abuse if it is of benefit to them, personally.
If the police are at the door, you can bet that a domestic abuser will be on their best behavior.
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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, General, Mental Health Tagged With: , ,

The Common Pattern of Domestic Abuse

August 15, 2010 by Leave a Comment
Acid attack victim, Cambodia, 2007
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Just like the circle of life, there is a definite circle in the pattern of abuse that, if left alone, will continue to turn, and keep on turning, until the abuse victim has escaped or is dead.  As this pattern is a circle, it is not always easy to identify a beginning, so let’s just start at what we might consider the normal part of this cycle.
The abuser has usually just repented of horrible verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse. Everything becomes perfect and it is so wonderful to the victim to see how much their partner truly loves them. At this phase nothing is too good for the injured party and the abuser does all in his/her power to make life beautiful.
In the next stage, the abuser becomes dissatisfied and every movement the victim makes is cause for the abuser to plan revenge.
The circle continues as the abuser then sets up the victim to commit a “wrong”. This could be anything from taking too long at the store to spending too much time with family. The abuser will justify any action or non-action to accuse the victim of anything ranging from insolence to immorality.
The circle then moves into insulting, belligerent, and ranting behavior that many times turns into aggression and violence. After the victim has been thoroughly chastised, mentally, emotionally, and physically, the next part of the pattern circles around to focus on the abuser’s guilt.
At this point the abusing partner seems filled with horrible guilt and remorse; they cannot do enough to show how sorry they feel. (Of course, he/she may also be worrying about what might happen if the proper authorities were to find out the extent of their abusive actions.)
And then we circle around once more to the point of forgiveness and normalcy- and off we go again.
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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, General, Mental Health Tagged With: , , ,

What is the First Clue in Discovering Abuse?

August 13, 2010 by Leave a Comment
What is the first clue in discovering abuse? The first clue is that sickening feeling that makes one want to hide or in extreme cases, run- run as fast and as far away as possible. It is that feeling that crashes in on top of everything and almost paralyzes you. It is that gut-wrenching sensation that makes you physically ill and terrified to move.
It’s called fear.
If you have a fear of your spouse or partner; if you feel that nothing you do is right in their presence and that you must walk a very thin line to keep the peace; if you feel that at any minute you will do something to cause a domestic explosion, then it is time to pay attention to those feelings!
Fear of one’s spouse or partner is the first sign that you may have a domestic abuse problem. If you are experiencing this fear then it is time to take a serious look at your relationship and understand what is going on and how you got there.
In this case, fear is a good thing. It can cause a victim to wake up and pay attention; it can bring one to the point of understanding and acknowledging that something is not right in their domestic relationship.
This is not an easy thing to admit or adjust to. Many times a victim will blame themselves for any domestic abuse in their home. Fear can actually clear the victim’s head and help them to see that the circumstances in which they find themselves are not desirable or healthy. Fear can help a victim to desire a change from abuse so much that they will actually make it happen.
If you feel fear in your relationship, then trust it. The life you save may be your own.
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Filed Under: Domestic Abuse, General, Mental Health Tagged With: , ,

Violence and Abuse Can Surface in all Genres of Domestic Relationships.

August 12, 2010 by Leave a Comment
The cover of the edition on domestic violence.
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As much as one might like to ignore or excuse domestic abuse, this unfortunate phenomenon seems to exist in every kind of conceivable relationship. From heterosexual marriages to same-sex relationships to living-together couples, domestic violence and abuse does and will happen when there is one partner who seeks to control the other.
And domestic abuse is about the control of one human being over another. Abuse is verbal, emotional and can escalate into physical violence.  This control comes in all forms and the purpose is to deny the victim any power over their life. The abuser demands control over the utmost details. This can include things like who the victim sees and who they can speak to, money, transportation, sometimes even the clothes they wear. This kind of spousal abuse occurs in every age group, financial status, and culture.
Not only can domestic violence and abuse happen to anyone, the abuser can be female as well as male. Yet, many times, this aspect of the abuse problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. Some studies indicate that women abuse as much as men. The biggest difference in the abuse is that domestic violence generating from a woman is usually not as lethal as when a man is the abuser.
In 99% of abuse cases, a female victim will be treated with sympathy and concern; she will receive help and sanctuary. However many male victims are treated with contempt, disdain, or worse, ignored. Because of this most men do not report abuse and are denied needed help because of ridicule from those who should and can help.
A fact that modern society must come to terms with is that abuse is a problem that crosses every life style and every sexual orientation. It causes pain suffering and trauma. This is true even if the victim is male.
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