Although many restaurants can’t afford to install the high powered exhaust fans needed to properly ventilate a smoking section under the specifications of most states, many of them can afford to install outside patio seating. While smokers cannot smoke indoors, many restaurants have found their way around the ban by starting an outdoor smoker’s section. Finding bars and restaurants with these set up, particularly in warmer states, can make the dining experience enjoyable for smokers again.

One newer trend is the electric cigarette. Electronic cigarettes are said to supply the smoker with the same amount of nicotine without the harmful chemicals contained in cigarettes, and with none of the second hand smoke. This means that electric cigarettes can be “smoked” wherever the user pleases, as they are flameless and would not fall under the jurisdiction of most smoking bans.

Finally, smokers who are trying to quit or who just need enough to get by can use nicotine gum. While many smokers complain that the nicotine in the gum does not satisfy the long-term urges and desires of smokers, chewing a piece while in a bar or restaurant can more than adequately curb cravings for at least an hour or so, or until the chewer feels like going outside for a smoke. While not a perfect solution, it will help, and since most nicotine gum is over-the-counter, anyone can pick up a box.

While whether or not the smoking ban infringes on the rights of smokers remains to be seen. Smokers still have several options while operating from within the ban to make sure they get the enjoyment they need.

For most people these words immediately create the mental image of a suffering spouse with black eyes, and possible broken bones. However, although physical abuse is definitely part of the abuse cycle, domestic abuse can involve much more and usually does. And because domestic abuse usually involves areas other than physical violence, many do not see the suffering of friends or even members of their own family. Ironically, sometimes one can actually be blind to the fact that they, themselves, are involved in an abusive relationship.

“Wait,” you ask. “How can one possibly miss the fact that they are in the center of domestic abuse?”

Good question.

The answer is that abuse can, and usually does, come in many forms besides the physical. In fact, physical abuse in the home is called domestic violence, while mental & emotional abuses are actually the conditions considered “domestic abuse”. Most of the time domestic abuse will be tied into serious control issues and the desire for complete domination by a spouse or significant other. This kind of abuse starts with the need for control; it can readily be seen when a spouse completely takes over his or her mate’s time, money, friends, wardrobe, or even diet.

The next step is usually a constant belittling and demeaning verbal onslaught, which will include massive amounts of guilt and shame. Abusive people use these tactics so that the abused will feel that they deserve their mate’s scorn and harsh treatment. This allows for more abuse to be heaped upon the victims as they become convinced that they have earned their companion’s constant disdain and ridicule. As the abuser adds generous doses of fear and intimidation, the victim succumbs to the feelings of guilt and begins to believe that he/she is not only worthless but the actual cause of the problem. Once begun, this vicious cycle is extremely hard to break out of, but it can be done.

Recognizing domestic abuse is the first step to healing.

Are you in constant “duck and cover” mode? Do you have to watch what you say for fear of an angry tirade over subjects that seem benign? Are you constantly criticized or belittled? Has your partner taken your belongings? Or even destroyed them? Has your partner limited your access to the outside world? Are you treated horribly in front of family and friends? Are you the blame for EVERYTHING GONE WRONG? Do you believe you are stupid and worthless and deserve to be demeaned? Yelled at? Ignored? Blamed? And, most important, are you fearful of physical punishment? Has your partner threatened you? Or even your loved ones? Has he/she become violent?

Any of the above constitutes an abusive relationship. This implies that you may be in danger and that no matter how much you may think you love the person or how much you may deserve ridicule, at the least, and physical harm, at the most, you MUST leave and get to a place of safety.

If a partner is continually jealous or angry, threatening and controlling, you are in the midst of an abusive relationship and it is not going to get better. And more than your self-esteem is at risk; it could be your very life. Or even your children. There is no way to “fix” this relationship, especially if you feel you deserve the abuse. The only thing you can do is get to a place of safety and away from the situation, so that you can assess what is really going on and what your role in it is. There, you can clear your mind to determine if you need professional help and what the next steps might be.

Remember the famous words of Einstein:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Abuse can be subtle, especially at first. You might excuse your spouse’s actions because it may seem silly to fret over something like mood swings or the fact that you are rarely able to see your friends or family. But understand that abusers know what they are doing. An abuser doesn’t “just lose” his/her temper. Abuse is calculated and controlled.

In fact, it is all about control. Control of you.

If you have any misgivings or fears about your relationship, then it is wise to ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Are you afraid? Does your partner sometimes scare you? Do you ever fear for your personal safety? Are you regularly accused of being unfaithful? Are you forced into sexual situations that you find revolting? Are your finances controlled by your partner?

Realize that in domestic abuse, degradation is the name of the game. If your partner is consistently demeaning or ridiculing you, this is abuse. If you feel consistently humiliated or fearful, then you are experiencing domestic abuse. If you are isolated and kept from your social peers; if your partner or spouse has gotten in the way of your schooling, your job or even your hobbies, or if you have no control over the car, your money or your time, you are being controlled and abused.

The best thing you can do is to become aware. Are you fearful? Isolated? Controlled? This is called domestic abuse; it will not go away. If this is happening in your life, then it is best to face it sooner rather than later.

The first thing is to take the initiative and talk to them in private. Talk about your concerns and what you suspect. If your suspicions are correct and they want to talk, then let them; just be a true friend and listen. If they are reluctant to talk but it is obvious that what you have discerned is correct, then let them know that you are there for them and are willing to help as much as possible, if they need it. Let them know that you will always be a listening ear and you will also keep what ever is said in the strictest confidence; that the conversation is private between just the two of you.

Do NOT use force or pressure; if your friend is in trouble and deep in an abusive relationship, they have already had plenty of force. Also do not judge- just listen. Let them talk without interruption and do not give advice. An observing friend with a listening ear can do much to awaken a suffering loved one to their predicament and allow them to see it for what it is. Do not place restrictions or conditions on your help. For instance, do NOT say that you will only support them if they leave the abusive mate. They might not be ready for such a move and you may lose any hope of helping them in the complete understanding of their situation and moving beyond it.

Above all, if you suspect a friend is being abused don’t wait for them to speak up. They may too afraid or humiliated to face up to the abuse with a friend. Many times they have been so controlled and devastated that they believe they deserve abuse.

By taking the initiative, not only can you help them, you might just save their life.

“If you would stop making me mad!” “If you weren’t so utterly stupid!” “If you would just do exactly as I say!” “If you would keep your family away from here!”

Abusers are especially good at shifting the blame when there are authorities involved.

“If my spouse wasn’t so clumsy, she wouldn’t have fallen and given herself a black eye!”

Abusers threaten and scare their victims into doing exactly as they say: if you don’t drop those criminal charges, they threaten to kill you, the family pet, or even themselves; everything is fair game.

You see, the Blame Game is all about control; control of the victim, including every aspect of their lives. And because the victim has usually been so humiliated and manipulated through abusive actions, they learn to blame themselves for the abuse that comes to them day after day.

Most of the time the abuse is a set up by the abuser. The victim may be sent to do something and when the victim does not make it home at exactly the time that the abuser has set (without informing the victim, of course), the victim is then accused of everything from stealing to fornication and is punished accordingly.

In domestic abuse, the easiest way for an abuser to gain control is for the victim to become so completely degraded that they, too, blame themselves for the abuse that is poured down on them day in and day out.

After all, the abuser had no choice.